just blog

Life beginsCan I be completely honest with you?

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I don’t know the first thing about blogging.  I don’t know what my theme is or my goal or my focus.  I’ve never been to a blogging conference.  I don’t have a clue why or how you would monetize something like this.   Really, do you see how random my posts are?

I don’t even read blogs.  Reading blogs for me means I have put some links under the little star on the top right hand side of my screen and once a month I go through there and catch up on the ones I like the most.  Reading blogs for me means I find one that’s gripping and I stay up til 3 in the morning reading… pretty much the entire thing.

So what am I doing?  I honestly don’t know.

I know that my journals from the last ten years of my life are buried by a lake in Thailand.  That I haven’t really journaled since I got married.  That I have adored writing since I was able to form letters with a pencil.  So here I am.

And it terrifies me.

Because blogging means you have to be honest.

Blogging means you have to write what you care about and what you feel.  It’s not like Facebook where you can filter everything you say to make yourself look good.

If you really want to make an impact.  If you really want readership (whatever that is) you have to be bold.  You have to be creative.  And you have to write.

Fact is… sometimes I don’t feel bold.  Sometimes I don’t feel creative.  And most days I don’t have the time or the energy to write.

The worst part of it all, for me, is blogging means you have to be ok with that.

In all my perfectionism and people pleasing tendencies and all-or-nothing mentality, I have to be ok with the fact that people might not like what I write.  People might not be inspired.  People might not agree with what I have to say.  And, really, people might get through the first sentence and decide not to read what I wrote that day.

I have to be ok with it.

So I guess blogging is a way to be on paper the person that I’m sometimes afraid to be in real life.  Blogging is a way to journal when otherwise I wouldn’t.  Blogging is a way to hopefully inspire a few people, while at the same time sorting through all the learning and experiences that God is leading me through.

Hopefully.

Blogging is scary.  And overdone.  And sometimes just not very interesting.  But I’m doing it.  And I hope I’m doing it for the right reasons.  And I hope that some day I’ll wake up and do it just because I love it and just because I want to…

even if not even a single soul reads it.

And I’ll be ok with that.

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