There was a time once… When going to the beach meant something different. It meant getting away. Catching up. Long walks. Deep thoughts. Early runs. Brilliant mornings. Starlit nights. For me it was a time to clear my head and pour out my thoughts on salty damp paper. But now? Now it’s something I barely recognize.
Now it’s three people in one bed. Millions of wakings. Sand… Everywhere. Needing shade. Needing snacks. Needing sunscreen. Needing a nap. Needing entertained. And never quite getting enough of anything. It’s tantrums. And laughter. And catch me one more time. Don’t let me go under water. Watch me jump. Watch me run. Watch me throw. Now it’s who has the baby? How much can you carry? What’s for dinner? And breakfast and lunch and… What time is it anyways?
I confess there are times I miss the old beach days. The days of peace and reflection. When I gazed out past the crashing waves of childhood and sank deep in that elusive horizon. But now each time my eyes wander out there I hear a squeal and am forced to look back. Back to the crest. Back to the turbulent and adventurous and unpredictable and wonderful crashing of these little tiny waves that seem so big. And my feet keep slipping out from under me until they’re buried in this new day.
This new beach experience. The one I will miss in ten. Twenty. Thirty years. When I sit and stare out at the horizon and wish I could see the frolicking little waves once again. It’s different now. Not better. Not worse. Not easier. But not harder either. Just… Different. And these little waves are stripping away my desperation for what the beach should be and making room in my heart for what it is.
Ever-changing. Ever-new. Ever full of memory-making and dream-catching. And I weep sadness over my lost horizon but weep joy over my found shore and can’t believe my heart could stretch so big. So wide. To grasp the uncontainable joy of my #pirateprincess and to get lost in the curiosity of my #littlebuddE with eyes like the ocean. It’s wonderfully different and exhausting and I just don’t know if I’m doing it right but I’m doing it. This new beach. This new life.